Why I do not believe in gendered days anymore

Last Updated on May 5, 2022 by Sangita Ekka

[Personal Opinion Piece]  

 My first encounter with the Women’s Day celebration was in my first company. Since it was a startup, the total strength was already less, women, even fewer.  

It was easy to start a mail thread, tagging only women, getting them pumped up for the big day, directing them on what to wear (subtly and ironically).  

On the day of celebration, most women were decked up, hustled into one of the conference rooms, carried out activities like drawing and painting, went out for a group lunch, and the day was over, just like that.  

To this day, I fail to comprehend the purpose of that fiasco.  

The whole thing was organized by the only woman that made the Human Resources department, and men were completely kept out of it.  

My decision to not comply with what to wear (as per the mail), and to not join the mass lunch (for I had other priorities) was met with questioning remarks, by both women and men colleagues.  

Fast forward a year, same company, a new person in the HR department, and before the same exercise could show hints of repeating itself, I dropped a mail stating very clearly that if the activities of the day involved painting in a locked up room or dressing a particular way, I was out.  

That year we didn’t celebrate women’s day inside closed doors but with everybody. People, both men, and women shared stories, their own and about the women they admire in their lives. The event was inclusive. But the same year, there was no celebration for Men’s Day and I wonder why that’s taken as a norm.

Continuing with the HR department, women still get wrongly asked questions on their marital status or maternity plans when they apply for jobs and most do not know the practice is illegal, well at least in the US, India, not so sure.  

Hence, chances are that even if a woman in India has worked hard to get her resume to a flattering point, she would probably not get selected as she might “move” after marriage, whether by choice or not, and that’s not something a company wants when hiring for long-term.  

The problem runs deeper in my opinion. Indian marriages end with a send-off note for the women. Traditionally called “Vidai” (send-off) it states that her husband’s house is now her house. She migrates from one house to another, and in most cases, to her husband’s work location.  

Just curious, what if this were the norm for men? And though the term “Ghar Jamai” exists (Son-in-law who stays at wife’s home), it’s not seen respectable, and most men won’t opt for it anyway.  

If you are an Indian man and reading this, and single, question yourself, what would you prefer? How many of you would shift to your wives’ homes or work locations? This choice isn’t made available for many women in India.   

Let’s get back to the topic.  

 Are the assumptions on shifting and motherhood so universal that recruiters feel obliged to ask them? Worse, they can get away with rejecting candidates just on the basis of gender. Don’t companies have records where male members leave jobs in a short period of time? Aren’t those cases handled by the management?  

And all of this is only from a job-seeking perspective.  

Pick any woman in your circle and ask her if she faced sexism when in a job, when at home,  while traveling and so on. If she isn’t a hermit, she will show you a problem that society as a whole, has failed to address.  

#MeToo grew big for a reason. 1975 Icelandic Women’s Strike had a lasting impact for a reason. Shaheen Bagh is happening for a reason.

By writing so far about women, I absolutely don’t mean that men don’t face the expectation lash.  

It’s curious to observe how many cars were bought by my male friends before or after their marriages when I cannot say the same for my female friends, purely in terms of numbers. Though not intended, you may have still read “dowry” in between the lines.

Are we still subtly operating on unwritten rules of gender roles?  

While a workplace may still favor men, they too face false cases of abuse on domestic and sexual harassment grounds. Jasleen Kaur’s case is the testimony of it.  

My gender and the obvious inability to read minds restricts me from learning what men truly think and feel on gender issues. Rest assured #MenToo are speaking up!  

A few years back, I wrote a tribute to men on Men’s Day. Last year, I chose to send messages personally to those who have made positive impacts on my life.  

From now on, I won’t wait for a particular day to convey to fellow women and men how their lives have impacted mine.  

My own idea that women make lousy drivers was destroyed by a man who defended women’s driving. My idiocy in generalizing men for a sinister deed of one man was again corrected by a man. And my assumptions on what females will and will not do are constantly challenged and upgraded on a daily basis by women around the globe.  

This is empowering.  

I strongly believe that remembering impact-making women for a day or two would rarely make a difference. It has to be integral to everyone’s life.  

If an introductory computer book can talk about Charles Babbage, it must talk about Hedy Lamarr. Thanks to her we have Wifi, GPS and Bluetooth.  

Let it sink in that women’s participation is not new. It has happened for ages. But somehow, women have hazed standing behind successful men.   

“Behind every successful……”  

Celebrate women, but don’t shy away to flag them on doing a lousy job just because they share your gender.  

Celebrate men, but don’t shy away to flag them when they don’t deserve it.  

Celebrate LGBTQ, who may struggle to identify with one gender and gender norms, and are fluid with the identity they soak in.  

Celebrate a day, but let it hold meaning. Make them all, inclusive and meaningful. At the end of the day, it all narrows down to a PERSON’s abilities and not gender.